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Tom Cruise, For The Love Of God, You Do Not Have To Do This


Tom.

Hey.

Tom Cruise.

Tom.

Are you doing okay, buddy? It seems like you are, mostly, most of the time, what with the still-ongoing success of Top Gun: Maverick and the new Mission: Impossible business and various other projects with colons in the title. These are both cool things and exciting reminders that it can be fun to see big wild-ass action movies in an actual theater instead of on a big screen television at home, just for the WHOOSHES of the planes and the BLAMMOS of the explosions and the collective excitement of seeing it all happen with a few dozen strangers in a dark room, the laughing and the gasping and all of it. You are doing fine, pal.

And I get that your… let’s call it “weaponized intensity” is kind of hardwired into your DNA, and that having it there is one of the things that has made this all work for you. We all saw you hanging off that building in Ghost Protocol. We know that you love a big action scene in a blockbuster movie. We know that you love doing your own stunts. But I need you to know that it’s okay if y-

TOM

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TOM

WHAT IS THIS?

GET OFF THE AIRPLANE, TOM

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO THIS

I WILL SEE YOUR MOVIES

I WILL SEE THEM IN THE THEATER

I PROMISE

I SAW MAVERICK IN IMAX ON OPENING WEEKEND

I WAS GOING TO SEE THE NEW MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE ANYWAY

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF IN PHYSICAL PERIL TO CONVINCE ME

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO… THIS

TOM
CINEMACON

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself, dude. It feels like you are trying to single-handedly save movie theaters right now. Which is, like, admirable, I guess. Movie theaters have had a tough go of it for a few years now between the pandemic wiping out a year of releases and grinding productions to a halt and the rise of a zillion streaming services making people around the globe much more comfortable with the idea of watching new release movies from their couches on a Saturday night. It’s nice that you want to help. But…

Tom.

Dude.

This is a bit much.

I’ve been worried about you for a little while, actually. This has been bubbling up for years. Right around when I first saw this picture from the Mission: Impossible III press tour.

TOM
Getty Image

You see what I’m getting at here, right? The thing where you appear to be standing up on some sort of multiperson jet ski slash speedboat thing so you can wave to a group of photographers? You didn’t have to do that either, Tom. You are very famous. They were going to take your picture anyway. You did not need to almost maim yourself on a body of water to get their attention. Look at poor JJ Abrams. He looks like he’s cowering a little. You’re scaring JJ Abrams, Tom!

I’m not saying you have to stop doing your own stunts in movies. You can keep doing that if you want. I would not do it if I were in your position because you are 60 years old and have many millions of dollars and have earned the right to let some 29-year-old maniac who grew up watching the Jackass



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